Veg! Veg! Veg!

Veggies! Where would we be without a healthy dose of vegetables now and then? The hospital, as a disease-ridden immune-system-less lump of unhappy. So, lets hear it for veggies! Because we HAVE TO eat them.

So! The easiest and cheapest way to have veggies? Grow your own! You don't even need a yard to do it, just some space near a window or a place you can hang about three UV bulbs. I do both!

Super-helpful pictures coming soon.

OPTION ONE: TABLETOP GARDEN

The most basic of the indoor farming arenas, it has the added bonus of being the exact height to work at comfortably, so that if there is any problems with the plants or the water, you can take care of it without going up and down a ladder. Also, if you've got a friend or two, it's pretty easy to move around the apartment. However, it does take up more space than Option Two (see below).
You will need:

• A window
• Two or three card tables
• a large plastic trough
• some plastic tubing
• waterproof epoxy
• some milk crates
• a level
• random wood planks and scraps
• cardboard scraps
• a drill with a small drill bit
• a boxknife
• dirt
• vegetable seeds
• water
• time and patience

and most importantly...

• a landlord that is cool with this

1. First, you're going to need to prepare the space. Once you've picked it out, you're going to need to get some tables or a bench that'll support your garden. I use two end tables and a dog crate, getting the added bonus of a shelf area for gardening tools and knick-knacks, as well as keeping your pet's personal space out of the way! Card tables turn up all the time at garage sales and on Craigslist. But what is especially notable is how often you'll see them curbside with the trash. Assess how they're broken; usually you can fix it, and they're just being thrown out because the fix would make them unable to collapse for storage. That won't be an issue here.
2. Before you continue, you have to prepare for the coming water problem. What I do is arrange things to siphon out the water is this: on top of the tables, I place a large, plastic trough with sides about two inches high. It's got to cover more space than the actual garden will, so its okay if it hangs over the edge of the tables a little bit. I make sure it's completely centered, because I'm neurotic like that.
3. Next, on the side of the plastic trough that will face the window that my garden will be next to, I drill three small holes---no wider than the tubing---along the 2" wall, spaced a few inches apart, so that they all are in line with the window. I make sure, now that the plastic trough is at least level with the window sill, or slightly higher. I put some scrap planks of wood underneath if this is not the case, working to keep things level. PRO TIP levels cost like $4.50 at Home Depot, and you can find them for even less at tag sales.
4. Now that I've made these holes, I attach hose or tubing, cut to side with the boxcutter, to each hole and run the other end out the window. To make the openings I've created waterproof, WHICH IS VERY IMPORTANT, I use an epoxy, making sure to follow the directions on the packaging, especially when it comes to the drying part. It's seriously $3 for 25 feet of tubing at Home Depot, and the stuff is amazingly useful. I use Loctite epoxy to seal the tubing in place, which is another $5 at Home Depot. Again, all the stuff I get is probably cheaper at your local hardware store and/or a random garage sale you come across. Look around and you'll find it.
5. TEST. THE. STRUCTURE. DAMNIT. Just pour a little water into it, and make sure there's no weeping occurring where the tube joins the trough.
6. As an added precaution, I put a layer of styrofoam where I'm going to put the milk crates, so that as the water soaks through the cardboard there's another layer keeping a slow seepage to the water's journey.
7. Next, get a-hold of a trough or a series of planters, each about a foot deep. Line everything up under the window or wherever the UV lights are going to go. Milk crates lined with scrap wood planks on the sides and cardboard on the bottom works great for me, especially since scrap wood and milk crates are easy to scavenge for in your average urban/suburban environment. Just be aware: you are filling these with water, eventually, so there has to be a place for it to go. MAKE SURE IT WILL GO WHERE YOU WANT IT TO, OR YOUR LIFE WILL BE HELL.
8. Now you get to prepare things for the plants! Fill these with a mixture of dark earth, which runs anywhere between $5/bag at Home Depot for a Miracle-Gro and topsoil combo to free if you have a bucket and don't give a shit about property laws. I'm not saying go to the park and steal dirt, but I have done more than drop off laundry at my mom's house.
9. Well would you look at that! Now you've got a garden ready for planting! And best of all, the milk crates mean that you can have your veg all divided up without having to label them if you don't want to! But the cool thing is, the packets that the seeds come in already function as a label for each milk crate, with the added bonus of having instructions printed on them for future troubleshooting purposes. Carefully follow the instructions on each packet of seed's package, and you should be good to go.

OPTION TWO: HANGING WALL GARDEN

This is the more fancy-pants version of the indoor gardens, and it's a little more expensive/tricky to pull together. But it looks awesome and saves space, with the added bonus of being unique decor that will make your apartment seem a million times more adult-like. Cue the unicorns and champagne! It's time to take apartment gardening to the next level.
You will need:

• a wall 
• a ladder*
• a pencil 
• scissors
• staple gun
• staple gun staples
• a level
• sewing machine
• a dozen small burlap sacks
• some completely pore-less plastic sheeting
• a long, thin waterproof trough
• a grommet press
• several grommets
• several heavy-duty wall-hooks
• a drill with a small drill bit
• a stud finder
• enough plastic tubing to run from your wall garden to a sink/drain/window
• waterproof epoxy
• dirt
• vegetable seeds
• water
• time and patience

and most importantly...

• a landlord that is cool with this 

1. First thing's first: where is your garden going to grow? Do you need to put some UV bulbs there? Does that wall get enough sunlight? Once you've determined all of these things, you're ready to start climbing. Using the ladder and the stud finder, determine where along the ceiling there is a plank of wood behind the drywall. Make markings with a pencil. Make sure the line is level.
2. Waterproofing. You're going to have to go up and down the ladder a bit for this one. Drill the heavy-duty wall hooks along the top third of the stud that will cover the part of the wall that you want to be your garden. Make sure the line is level.
3. Cut the plastic sheeting to be about a foot longer than the length of the wall, and the width of however wide a space on the wall you want the garden to occupy. REMEMBER: measure twice, cut once!
4. Staple the plastic sheeting to the wall just below the line of wall hooks. And please: Make. Sure. The. Line. Is. LEVEL.
5. Now, take the waterproof shallow trough and place it on the floor, where the plastic sheeting should be gathered up. Pile the sheeting into the trough. The trough should be slightly longer than the width of the garden you want, and deep enough to hold all the sheeting with a little extra room. If not, it's too small. Use it to plant other plants in (NEVER ENOUGH FREE VEG).
6. Drill a hole the size of your tubing in the side of the trough, once you've got a proper one. Attach some of your tubing to this hole with the waterproof epoxy, and run the tubing to the nearest drain, sink, or window. Once everything looks good, trim the plastic sheeting so that it's only about an inch too long for the trough, instead of a foot. Put the extra sheeting under the trough to protect your floor.
7. TEST YOUR STRUCTURE TO MAKE SURE ITS WATERPROOF. AUGH. PLEASE. Pour some water down the center of the plastic sheeting and make sure everything runs smoothly. Put an old towel under the trough anyway. Just because something will go wrong eventually, and now you will be able to constantly check the towel for leakage. BONUS! If you have pets, don't use fertilizer or Miracle-Gro dirt, and you've got a water bowl for them! Yayyyyy! This is especially awesome if you've got ducks in the apartment.
8. Now comes the fun part! Using the sewing machine and the burlap sacks, make a "blanket" that covers the section of the wall that is covered by the plastic. You want to keep the sacks in sack form! Do NOT cut them open! Make sure that all of the openings are facing the same way! You want a blanket of pockets! VERY IMPORTANT: when the burlap "blanket" is on the wall, you'll want the "pockets" to be upright, NOT sideways. Doubling up on your seams will help with this.
9. DID YOU READ STEP NINE CAREFULLY?!
10. Assess the "blanket." If the pockets are about 8" to a foot deep, that is ideal. However, a variety of pocket depths can be beneficial, depending on what you're planting. To divide a pocket that's too deep into two shallower pockets, sew horizontally across it and cut an opening below the seam. Make sure the new seam is very sturdy. And don't worry about shallow pockets! You can still plant in them. Even pockets that are as shallow as 3" in depth can be used for herbs.
11. Take the "blanket" up on the ladder and, using the pencil, mark where the hooks will need to pierce through. This is where you'll be placing your grommets.
12. Now, with the grommet press, add in the grommets in the spots you've marked. This will ensure that your "blanket" won't tear and fall off the wall once it's full of dirt, water, and plants. Gardens weigh a TON.
13. Hang your burlap "blanket" on the wall. Make sure things line up properly with the water trough and the plastic sheet. Test the water-capture system again. YES, I SAID AGAIN.
14. Now, you can fill in the pockets with dirt! If you have animals in the house, DON'T use fertilizer, unless it is something that is specifically animal-friendly. IT WILL GET INTO THE WATER SUPPLY THAT IS EASILY ACCESSIBLE TO YOUR ANIMALS.
15. Here, I'd wait a day or so for the dirt to settle into the pockets, and to make sure that the wall hooks hold. This garden, while awesome, could quickly lead to disaster. Cleaning up a lot of dry dirt with a vacuum is WAY better than having to try and do so when that dirt is water-logged and full of plant life.
16. Now you can start planting! Be sure to carefully read the instructions on each packet, and clip it to the pocket that you plant the seeds in, both for labeling purposes, and to remind you how to care for what you planted there!

* make sure its a fairly nice ladder, maybe a wooden one that you painted to match your curtains or whatever Martha Stuart bullshit you want to pull here, because that ladder is probably going to live next to your wall garden from now on